5 hungry men

Still infuriated by Dravid’s omission from Team India, and inspired by other analogous blogs doing the rounds of the internet, I have come up with this conversation that could have happened between the Indian selectors when they met on October 15 to decide what the Indian team would look like.

Disclaimer: This is purely a work of fiction but co-incidences are possible. Although we’ll never know, any resemblance to actual happenings cannot be ruled out.

Srikkanth: “Ok gentlemen, we have gathered here to select the Indian team for the first two ODIs against Australia. We all know South Africa was a disaster (pauses) - the board refused to let the selectors accompany the team. But like true gentlemen, we must put all this behind us and get on with our job – and fast. We are already two hours behind time and we don’t want to be late for lunch. I think going by the media review we got the last time, we can pride ourselves in having done a great job in selecting the team when we had last met.

Yashpal: But I saw someone's Facebook status message saying that India was knocked out in the first round of the Chamions Trophy.

All in chourus: What! (Everyone is shocked and dismayed)

Raja: Then I think we have to make a big change somewhere. This is how it generally works. When things are not working, change it.

Bhave: Yeah you’re right. How about changing the captain?

Srikkanth: (immediately feeling his right cheek with his palm) Er.. Er.. I don’t think so. He has been doing a good job for India. And you see we are from the same Chennai Super King outfit. (Again rubbing his cheek as if reminded of something.).And.. and besides he is strong, very strong. Er.. I mean he has the necessary strength to lead India.

Hirwani: Hmm… Then I think we can sack the coach, Kirsten.

Raja: I doubt that is an option. His contract does not expire until March 2010.

Bhave: We have to do something. We can give the boot to Venky and Robin.

Yashpal: But it may not go down with the players so well.

Bhave: Oh. I didn’t know the players were that close to them.

Yashpal: No, no. It’s not that. What I meant was who will serve them coffee and snacks.

Raja: That can be taken care of. The manager can double up. As it is he never does anything. My only concern is who will notify the two.

Srikkanth: (frowns with surprise) why do we have to tell them? The media can do that. Hey guys, lets start some sort of a trend. Countries have separate teams for tests and ODIs, let us have separate teams for home and away matches. It'll be fun. Something new.

(Everyone looks up and are delighted with the idea. This was their chance of being pioneers, and scripting their names in the pages of history.)

Yashpal: India’s best batsman in away matches, by far, has been Dravid. We can drop him. But the only problem is he hasn’t done bad in matches at home.

Srikkanth: Listen, I am in no mood to go with someone with a nickname Jamie, when I am sitting here, deprived of lunch.

Bhave: But with what pretext should we drop him?

Raja: We can tell the people that he is old.

Yashpal: But he shows no signs of ageing. Shouldn’t form and fitness be the criteria?

Srikkanth: Not when you’re hungry. Common guys we can’t be wasting so much time.

Hirwani: Ok. Let’s pick Ravindra Jadeja.

Raja: Jadeja! But there were reports that it was because of him that India lost the T20 World Cup.

Hirwani: Hmm.. But Shane Warne thinks he is the future of India and we could do well to use his expertise.

Bhave: But Warne also told the same thing about Yusuf Pathan as well. So are we picking him too?

Yashpal: Hey common, Warnie cannot be right each time. He maintains that he likes baked beans. But they have always given me stomach upsets.

Raja: Yeah right. I fart a lot too whenever I have baked beans. Makes me wonder how he handles all the women after he has eaten baked beans!

Srikkanth: Well guys, we just found out, why, at times, he restricts himself to phone sex!

Bhave: Hmmm.. Moving on, should we pick Virat Kohli?

Hirwani: Yes, yes. He always reminds me of my childhood days.

Yashpal: Why? Were you thin during your childhood days?

Hirwani: No. My mother used to cook in Virat pressure cookers when I was a child.

Srikkanth: We should give this youngster named Sudeep Tyagi a chance. He is also in the Chennai Super Kings team.

Raja: Yeah. You must have observed him closely then.

Srikkanth: Not exactly. But Srinivasan is a shrewd fellow. He would never have him in the team if Tyagi were not good.

Bhave: What about Sreesanth. Do we give him another chance?

Raja: He’ll be fined a lot of times so that’ll save the board a lot of money. Moreover, when he was last slapped, he skipped dinner. He'll be an asset in times of recession.

Srikkanth: The board will not share the money with us. And why should we be concerned with anybody’s dinner when we are starving here for want of lunch. He is not selected. And perhaps, we could be getting the Nobel Peace Prize next year for keeping him out of the team.

Bhave: Does anyone realize it has been 15 mins since we came here.

Srikkanth: Yeah. Enough is enough. We will each write a random syllable in a piece of paper and assemble it to form names. We will then select those players. As it is too many cooks spoil the broth. Let us not waste anymore time and proceed for lunch. We sure have earned our bread and butter today.

And the rest - as they say - is history.

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